I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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