ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
