Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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