I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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