Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
