Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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