I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
