I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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