once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
