worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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