don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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