Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
