I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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