I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
