i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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