I don't usually arrange sex via text message
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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