I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
