I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
