hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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