I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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