You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
