dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
