btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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