My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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