Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
