my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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