Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
