I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
