Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i think i just lost a toe
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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