The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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