I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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