Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
