Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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