this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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