They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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