12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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