Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
