if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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