I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
