totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm too high and old for this...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize