I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.