if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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