My sheets look like a crime scene.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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