I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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