he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
