worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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