i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
im calling her cock vulture from now on
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
