Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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