from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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