I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
