um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
