the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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