Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Randomize
