Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
