you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
