I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
barbara walters just said penis...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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