Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
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Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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